Good evening.
I said, GOOD EVENING. See, when a person bangs hard on your business’s front door after hours, it’s just common courtesy to answer it politely. No, I won’t move my jackbooted foot from the door jamb—and trust me, you don’t want to close the door in my face.
I’m here representing Threateningly—a suite of online and offline tools that amp up communications. Only we don’t use AI… We use what you might call “street smarts.”
From your stammered responses, I can tell you have trouble with effective messaging. You’re probably thinking, “Who can help me now?” right? Well, who’s got two bruised fists and thumbs and is offering you their services? That’s right—me. In fact, we’re the only two people around here, seems like.
Anyhow, at Threateningly, we believe that effective and clear communication is essential. That’s why high-performing fear-based organizations—like the RNC and that church your mean great-aunt goes to—use Threateningly every day.
You should, too—if you know what’s good for you.
But don’t just take my word for it. Here’s a testimonial from Jimmy, who had this to say after I jogged his memory recently:
“There was this guy who wouldn’t pay me back the money I lent him plus, uh, interest. I sent the guy texts, but he wasn’t responding. Well, I put my message through Threateningly, and it recommended I drop all the words and send him a picture of his dog, napping in his backyard. He repaid me the same day in full—minus Threateningly’s cut.” —Jimmy Two-Shoes, Another Satisfied Customer
So how many months can I sign you up for? Because I’ve got a deal I think you can’t refuse.
What is that look on your face? Do you think I’m joking? Like I’m, what, a comedian? Yeah, I didn’t think so—because what kind of comedian would leave their baseball bat sitting outside, just in case, amirite? By the way, you don’t have to answer that. It’s what is called a rhetorical question—something that Threateningly specializes in.
I hear you about your budget. Times are tough. What kind of watch is that? I’m just asking. It looks nice. You must be intelligent to invest in something like that to make sure you can get to places on time—and with two functioning legs.
Let me finish, please. It’s rude to interrupt. Again, this is all theoretical.
It’s just, personally, I find that sometimes when you are in a hurry like you seem to be, it’s easy for you to trip on, uh, things that are unexpectedly in your way… like my bat… or a wet bag of cement. Better to plan ahead and make good choices, so you have lots to look forward to, right?
From your nervous nod and deep gulp, I see you are already comprehending my meaning better. That’s a direct result of my communicating the Threateningly way I do. You see, I’m not just a salesperson… I’m also a customer.
Speaking of customers, did you know that when communications improve with Threateningly, customer complaints are quickly reduced to zero? Now, I ask you, wouldn’t that feel good? As good as, say, it feels to get into your car and know no one’s been messing with the brake lines?
We’re just chatting here. I’m using an example—to illustrate feeling protected and secure. Secure like the confidence that comes when you know you’ve made the right word choices. Threateningly is also very good at those.
So, buddy, why not give Threateningly a try? Seriously, if you didn’t… It would be a real shame, you know? By the way, how’s your partner doing? They looked well when I saw them on my way over here. What, we can’t chit-chat? We’re friends, right? I mean, if we aren’t friends, what would that make us?
Alright, friend.
Yeah, we take Apple Pay. Tap here.
See you next month!
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