Any passengers who require extra time.
Our veterans and active members of the military, as a thank you for your service.
First class may now begin boarding, as well.
We’d like to invite our Diamond Medallion Members to start lining up.
Next, and in this order: our Yellow Gold, White Gold, and Rose Gold Medallion Members.
At this time anyone who happens to be wearing rose gold jewelry can also approach the gate. Please be ready to have any qualifying pieces inspected and appraised.
Now we’d like to invite Main Cabin 1. But not yet! We’d like to, but we can’t. We have a few more priority groups to get through first. Hold tight, Main Cabin 1!
Families traveling with children can begin boarding, at this time.
Is anyone here thinking of having children? You, too, are welcome to line up.
For those who are “thinking of having children,” please have your parents on speaker phone to confirm that this is the case.
People who purchased extra legroom in rows 5, 7, and 9 are now welcome to board.
People who purchased extra legroom in rows 6, 8, and 10 can start lining up, as well.
People who purchased tickets in Main Cabin 1, please sit back down. It’s not your turn.
But don’t worry, Main Cabin 1! Even though you spent less on this flight than some of your fellow travelers, we haven’t forgotten about you!
Now, we’d like to invite anyone who has matched their attire with our logo. So if you’re wearing fire-engine-red, eggshell-white, and canary-yellow, you can join the queue.
Next: in honor of our CEO, Bob, anyone whose first name is Bob should come on down to the front.
Variations of the name Robert may also start lining up. Please gather your things and join us if you go by Robert, Roberto, Robbie, Bobby, Roberta, Berta, or Bert.
Has anyone here seen Breaking Bad? One of your flight’s co-pilots was an extra in season two! If you find a clip of his cameo, you can join the line.
Main Cabin 1! How are we doing Main Cabin 1? Nope, not yet. Please don’t crowd the gate or we’ll call security.
We’d like to show our appreciation to any passengers who have tweeted about what an amazing airline we are. So if you have that post handy, you may line up at this time. Tweets you’re writing right now do not count.
Any travelers who have penned a college-admissions-style essay as to why we should admit them to our plane (500 words) are welcome to board.
Dissertations are acceptable, as well.
Good news, Main Cabin 1! You’re next!
But first, a reminder of every group that has been invited to board thus far.
We’ll be reciting the entire, complete, unabridged list from the very beginning.
Just in case anybody missed it.
And this announcement will be made with a broken microphone.
…
…
…
Whew, that was a doozy.
Before we continue with boarding passengers in Main Cabin 1, we’d like to take a moment to thank all of our travelers in Main Cabins 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 for your patience. We promise to get to all of you shortly.
And guess what, Main Cabin 1? It’s your turn!
Everyone in Main Cabin 1 should start lining up.
Main Cabins 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10, please step aside and make room for Main Cabin 1 to board.
Oh, wait, Main Cabin 1. We have a dispatch coming through.
Main Cabin 1, it appears that we have overbooked this flight. Please sit back down as we await further instructions.
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